I’m trying something new here with making lists of some the top things in the world, as I see them–so perhaps the title of the post would be more accurate if it were, “Top 5 Beaches in the World, that I’ve been to.”

I also was going to post pictures of each location, but laziness plays a factor here.

5. Lagos, Portugal - The water is so blue here you’d think someone had dropped 100 billion gallons of ink in there, but it’s not quite the case. It’s also warm relative to the water you’d find in the California beaches, so you can jump in right away without instantaneously shriveling up your balls.
4. San Diego, CA - SD would rank higher if the ban on drinking didn’t get passed out here, but as it stands the beaches here are accessible 12 months out of the year, and you have terrific options too. You can become anonymous and find places that are crowded so you don’t stand out with your pale skin and beer gut, or if you simply want a calm, relaxing environment where the water is pool-like and the people are scarc, which is good if you don’t want to expose your pale skin and beer gut to a lot of people.

3. Los Angeles, CA - As amazing as the La Jolla cove and some of the other locations along the San Diego shores are, it’s simply second fiddle to some of the views you get driving up the Pacific Coast highway as you pass up Santa Monica, Malibu, and others. And since Orange County is basically LA anyway, you have a show that’s named after one of the beaches out there. If Laguna Beach was called Pacific Beach it probably would’ve sucked moreso that it already does.

2. San Sebastian, Spain - Very spacious, very picturesque, the water isn’t ice cold, and the girls are topless–it’s what every beach (should) aspire to be.

1. Mallorca, Spain - You’re basically swimming in warm bath water here, partying with tourists from everywhere (okay mostly German), and escaping it all on this remote European island. Beach it around in the morning, then pay $25 to get into all the “hot” local clubs where you get a trendy bag, all you can drink, and watch a session of female AND male go-go dancers. It’s the place to be if you ever consider retiring young.

Didn’t make the list - Anywhere in the Bay