Thoughts of -e^πi man - Tien Nguyen

You’ve heard it here first, ad retargeting is going to be the next biggest step in internet advertising since the advent of the banner ad itself–and a company that’s struggled to monetize its 175 million member base is sort of jumping on that bandwagon.

Arrington puts it best:

One of the reasons ads perform so poorly on social networks is because they are the worst place to show someone an ad. People on social networks tend to be in a socializing mode instead of a shopping or information-gathering mode. But if you show the same people an ad on another type of site (say, a clothing ad on a fashion blog), and you can target that ad based on their social profile (you know their age, gender, and where they live), that in theory should be a formula for better response rates.

Having worked in online advertising, I still claim to the belief that unsolicited banner ads are pretty much worthless 92% of the time, but with specific demographic data that should lower that to about 90% useless..then again if you want to advertise clothing, a fashion blog should already be high on your list, and demographics needn’t matter all that much.

Then again, if you’re advertising on a site like say CNN, which has a somewhat more diverse demographic, this could prove to be a fairly useful model.

There are many simple formulae for creating quick and easy buzz that is sure to spread like wildfire, but few are as simple as the one I’m about to show you today.

Over the past few weeks the topic of how Facebook can give you cancer/kill you has generated plenty of buzz and popularity, and it’s quite easy to see why.

The author of this “research”, Aric Sigman, actually acts as a consultant for PR-based research, so the basis of getting this “study” out was based as much on getting his name out there as it is to generate shock value and, on much lower level, cause people to stop and think about their actions.

The formula then is as follows:

1) Take a popular subject, something as popular you can think of and that everyone uses.

2) Generate something that resembles a “study”, and instead of going into it hoping to extract a conclusion as a “normal” study would, have your conclusion in mind BEFOREhand and push as hard as you can to make the conclusion make even a modicum of sense. And oh yeah, have the conclusion be something as outrageous as you can–e.g. DEATH.

As a result, 1 + 2, or in this case, Facebook + DEATH = BUZZ!

One thing you can credit Mr. Sigman for is being consistent, as the second Google result for his name yields an article titled: HOW TV IS (quite literally) KILLING US (I SUPPOSE STEP 3 CAN BE TITLE YOUR ARTICLE IN ALL CAPS). After all Facebook is the new TV, and history has shown us that the subject of DEATH and KILLING will always catch our attentions.

It isn’t at all surprising then, that when a “reputable” publication, the Washington Times discusses the virtues of social networking, in a much more scientific, objective way that looks at both sides of the equation, that it gets much, much less buzz and attention, meaning that one requires both parts of the equation to be successful.

Again, looking on the other side of things, an article that discusses how having an online presence CAN MAKE YOU UNEMPLOYED, which therefore leads to poverty and probably DEATH at some point, is good enough for the front page of the Sunday edition of the New York Times.

Other ideas for studies that can be done include:

LISTENING TO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CAN LEAD TO BRAIN TUMORS, AND DEATH
SUPPORTING OBAMA CAN LEAD TO ALZHEIMERS, AND DEATH
DRINKING ALCOHOL CAN CAUSE LUPUS, LEPROSY, AND DEATH
READING RANDOM BLOG ENTRIES CAN CAUSE IMPOTENCE, AND DEATH
…

1) Only reason I’m doing this is because our internet has been down for 45 minutes and this is the only way to pass the time. I’m not actually caving in.

2) The day I was born it was the morning after Xmas at 5am, and as my dad went out to get the car to drive my mom to the hospital he saw someone stealing our radio ANd the car battery, leaving the car inoperable–he ended up calling a friend to drive them (us) to the hospital.

3) I was 120 lb in high school at the same height I am now, and strict regiments of Jack in the Box and Taco Bell pushed me up some 60 pounds since then.

4) Speaking of high school I can’t recall maybe more than 2 or 3 times that I talked to a single girl that wasn’t a teacher back then for more than 6 minutes in real life…online I was a P.I.M.P.

5) My sister severely wished I was a girl and used to put dresses on me..I’ve secretly hidden all the pictures of this in a place no one will find.

6) When I was 7 I fell off my bike face first to the cement that left me grotesquely scarred for many weeks after. I tried to avoid mirrors at all cost and luckily I was too short to see my face in the bathroom mirror. Also it was summer so I didn’t have to go to school and face kids staring at me everyday.

7) My favorite athletes growing up were David Robinson and Dan Marino.

I had a major obsession with dinosaurs growing up that we’d go to the library every week and I’d get a new book on dinosaurs every time until there were no more. I had the heights, lengths, and weights of most of the major dinosaurs memorized.

9) I have an uncanny ability to fall asleep onboard trains/planes within 2 minutes of sitting down, even if I’m not that tired.

10) First movie I ever cried to was Good Will Hunting.

11) My little cousins that I talk to online think I’m both the coolest person in the world as well as the biggest loser.

12) I’ve been to Vietnam and through 6 countries of Europe but never east of Houston in the US.

13) I never had any white friends pre-UCLA and currently don’t have any Asian friends that I hang out with regularly.

14) I go on AIM/gchat late at night when I’m drunk and can talk to people for over an hour and not have them suspect a thing–the next morning when I reread the conversation I don’t remember a single thing that was said. My drunken grammar is impeccable.

15) I have severe ADD sometimes..holy shit a bird outside!

16) People on several occassions have asked me “why I’m the way I am”…see #5.

17) Chris Mullin was also a hero of mine, and #17 was his #.

18) My sister and I had pet ducks as kids (mine was cooler) that were hatched from eggs my dad stole from a pond at a library. When we had to go away on a trip we released them backto the library, they kept on following us back to the car.

19) No one believes that I’m Vietnamese, especially when I was Vietnam. I lack a lot of Asian features such as a small nose, lack of eye-lid fold, straight teeth, and I’m not 5′1.

20) In 4th grade I made fun of a kid in front of other kids and some snitch told him and he told our mean, fat vice principal. I said something to the extent of “I’m going to come here in 10 years to visit Michael because he’ll still be here”. It was my only time in my life that I got detention.

21) I got through UCLA math classes by befriending smart kids and doing homework with them. I passed the weeder upper division class with a 15/50 on the midterm and a 30/100 on the final, with a B.

22) I was generally one of the tallest kids growing up until I stopped growing in 8th grade that I’d slouch a lot to try to fit in with everyone else.

23) When I was 13-14 I would debate about video cards and CPUs online, as well as the WWF well into the middle of the night. I was anti-Nvidia and Intel, and pro 3dfx and AMD.

24) I hate having the second fastest tetris score and typing speed out of my friends on facebook.

25) When I was young my mom took me to the mall one day and talked to a security guard who I thought was a police officer and got him to to convince me that if you don’t wear a seatbelt in a car you’d be arrested. From then on I instantly put my seat belt on before I even enter a car.

26) Santa Claus used to scare the shit out of me.

27) I’m a rebel.

If there’s two things the world has no lack of, it’s ignorance, and insecurities–and throughout the course of time brilliant marketers have capitalized on this in a way that have made them plenty of money–which has allowed them in turn to spend it both ignorantly as well as to make up for their insecurities.

The reliance on people’s ignorance has over time generated grand things such as pre-approved credit cards, Chevron w/ Techron, and Fox News.

On the other side of things people’s insecurities have given birth to expensive luxury cars, gargantuan sized televisions, designer clothing, trophy wives–or anything that’s purchased in excess not necessarily for oneself, but for others looking in.

However, if you really want to strike it big, let’s combine them both and you have some of the biggest news makers in recent months: pyramid/ponzi schemes (e.g. Bernie Madoff), sub-prime mortages, weight loss plans, the University of Southern California, etc., along with our daily spam doses of penis enlargement pills, Nigerian scam artists, and so forth.

Essentially anything that overpromises to improve people’s miserable lives, and underdelivers because of lack of research makes use of what is truly in abundance in this world.

In abundance.

Now who says it’s hard to get rich?

Next time, we’ll explore ways of using these two traits to your advantage–but (nearly) guilt free.

“So did you a sense of what we do?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you go into brief detail of what you were able to gather?”
“Yeah sure, but um I actually had a question…”
“Sure.”
“So…what exactly is comparison shopping, and um, what do you guys do exactly??”
“Did you get a chance to watch our presentation at all?”
“…no I’ve been busy.”

I’m trying something new here with making lists of some the top things in the world, as I see them–so perhaps the title of the post would be more accurate if it were, “Top 5 Beaches in the World, that I’ve been to.”

I also was going to post pictures of each location, but laziness plays a factor here.

5. Lagos, Portugal - The water is so blue here you’d think someone had dropped 100 billion gallons of ink in there, but it’s not quite the case. It’s also warm relative to the water you’d find in the California beaches, so you can jump in right away without instantaneously shriveling up your balls.
4. San Diego, CA - SD would rank higher if the ban on drinking didn’t get passed out here, but as it stands the beaches here are accessible 12 months out of the year, and you have terrific options too. You can become anonymous and find places that are crowded so you don’t stand out with your pale skin and beer gut, or if you simply want a calm, relaxing environment where the water is pool-like and the people are scarc, which is good if you don’t want to expose your pale skin and beer gut to a lot of people.

3. Los Angeles, CA - As amazing as the La Jolla cove and some of the other locations along the San Diego shores are, it’s simply second fiddle to some of the views you get driving up the Pacific Coast highway as you pass up Santa Monica, Malibu, and others. And since Orange County is basically LA anyway, you have a show that’s named after one of the beaches out there. If Laguna Beach was called Pacific Beach it probably would’ve sucked moreso that it already does.

2. San Sebastian, Spain - Very spacious, very picturesque, the water isn’t ice cold, and the girls are topless–it’s what every beach (should) aspire to be.

1. Mallorca, Spain - You’re basically swimming in warm bath water here, partying with tourists from everywhere (okay mostly German), and escaping it all on this remote European island. Beach it around in the morning, then pay $25 to get into all the “hot” local clubs where you get a trendy bag, all you can drink, and watch a session of female AND male go-go dancers. It’s the place to be if you ever consider retiring young.

Didn’t make the list - Anywhere in the Bay

Google finally implemented a feature that’s been available elsewhere where it autocompletes phrases based on what others have searched for in the past.  Here’s some of what they’ve searched for:

Obviously there was a setback last night in the move toward ensuring equality for all, but there should be no reason to take it as a sign that we should give up on humanity or the fight itself–instead it should be viewed as a way to keep fighting stronger than ever.

If the civil rights movements over the years have taught us anything, it’s that time is the only barrier to change, and that the walls toward justice come down with each new generation.

Looking at last night’s results, 53% of voters in CA voted for the ban, an improvement of 8% over the last time the initiative was brought up when 61% of Californians were for the ban. Looking back further in history it wasn’t long ago when over 90% of Americans were against the idea of interracial marriage, and today the idea that two people of different races would be unable to marry is unfathomable.

They say old habits die hard, but so do old ways of thinking–(as well as old people themselves). The new generation is making their voices heard louder than ever, and there should be no doubt in any of our minds that we will all be ready for true equality one day.

I will take the bet that new ideas and change will always eventually take over old habits and stagnation anyday. Ideas that are the norm for the young will replace what is perceived as radical for the old.

It may be in 5 years, it may be in 15 years, it may even be longer…

Just not now.

And quitting now when we’ve been closer than we’ve ever been would be wrong, so wrong. The war has only begun.

Oh, but at least our children are protected.

So for the last couple days I diagnosed myself with an ear infection–symptoms included an awful fever, fatigue, sore throat, and major pains in my ear that made me suicidal.

I ended up just resting a lot, taking a Vitamin C pill everyday, and took aspirin which was supposed to reduce the fever. After 3 days or so it was a little bit improved but still really annoying, and I really hoped to get better for the Halloween weekend.

I ask a med school friend then who recommended to go to the doctor and get some anti-biotics–which was probably going to be a last resort effort..since I hate to get anti-biotics unless I’m in a life threatening situation.

I google around then and find this article.

Which recommended garlic oil, which I didn’t have..but said that cooking oil may work as well.

I decide I have nothing to lose then, so I grab some corn oil from our cabinet, pour a few drops into a shot class, go in front of the mirror, tilt my head to the side, and ever so slowly pour it in my left ear.

For a few seconds I go completely deaf in my ear, thinking wtf did I just do why do I believe everything I read on the internet–but within minutes, I find myself COMPLETELY CURED.

Maybe it’s just because I lost an ear drum on my left side so now I can’t feel any pain over there anymore, or cooking oil was really the magic cure all I should’ve tried days ago–but whatever it is, I’m a new person again.

w00t

Cliff’s:

Had awful pain in ear
Tried normal remedies, which didn’t work
Poured corn oil in ear, voila!

This is Dr. Nguyen, signing off.

Over the past year or so I’ve been battling with the other Tien Nguyens of the world to get this very blog to be the #1 search result when my name has been inputted–I’ve gotten as high as #4, but generally range around #8-10..Here’s a peak into some of the imposters in the top 10..

1) http://home.eng.iastate.edu/~tien/

The first Google result is a guy who’s an assistant professor at Iowa State in the Electrical/Computer Engineering department. His hair is parted neatly to the side, he’s got a small body, big head, and wears glasses:

Way to break all the stereotypes buddy.

2) http://www.tiennguyen.com/about/

Next guy is “the Chief Technology Officer at Galaxy Group, a media company in Vietnam. In the past, I worked at Microsoft, where I was involved with MSN Entertainment, Zune, and XBox Live.”

Also has a masters in computer science, and also looks like a total douchebag who’s probably still a virgin–but can probably kick my ass in ping pong…j/k no one beats me in ping pong.

3) http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=309540457

Good news is this guy isn’t a computer nerd, but he’s a total emo guy who probably cuts himself every night. He describes himself as someone who “seals feelings with silence,tastes paint with passions,touches poems with carelessness”. His Myspace is filled with art created while he was on heroin.

What da fuck?

my mood: annoyed

4) http://www.linkedin.com/in/tienn

#4 is a linkedin profile of the same guy in the #2 spot, way to monopolize the name ass.

5) http://www.nguyentientam.com/homepage.html

I have respect for #5–he has some nice images of Vietnam up, so that’s some positive points.

However his site was designed back in 1973, and he’s not even really a Tien Nguyen–he’s a Tam Tien Nguyen.

I’d hate on his look but this’ll probably be me in 25 years so…

6) http://www.pages.drexel.edu/~tnn27/

Good news: this guy is not a tech nerd, instead he’s a biz major and actually has marketing experience.

Bad news: he looks like this:

7 ) http://pikindaguy.com/

This dude is pretty f’in awesome if I must say so myself.

http://www.thenextorg.com/

’nuff said.

9) http://www.modelmayhem.com/219080

From the site:

Greetings and welcome. Thank you for checking out my portfolio and taking an interest in my work. I have been modeling now for the past three years and I really enjoy it. I would like to eventually pursue it at a more active level. I would like to be able to explore every angle of what makes up photography.

Um…does not compute, but shoot I’d say I’m pretty f’in hot if I say so myself.